November Twenty-Fifth

Featured Image: “Autumn radiance,” © Mark K., Oct 2014. CC BY-NC 2.0.

For Thanksgiving (and my 1-year anniversary of recovery), I decided to take advantage of my judicious use of vacation days to date and spend the entire week at home with my family and friends in Connecticut and Massachusetts. Four days in Connecticut and two days in Massachusetts for the price of three days of leave and two 13-hour car drives on either end of my visit seemed like a pretty good exchange for my favorite holiday.

Thanksgiving – the perfect opportunity to practice my dialectical skills. It is the one time throughout the year when the greatest number of my nearest family members assemble in one place. It happens to come at the close of my favorite season, autumn, when the air is crisp and fills my lungs with an invigorating snap, before the harsher cold of winter settles and nudges me inside toward the fireplace, hot tea, and soft slippers. I cherish what Thanksgiving stands for, the coming together of family, the warmth, the light, the joy, the expressions of love and gratitude. When I open my heart to those themes, I find myself humbled, my sense of connection to others and to the universe crests, and my entire being seems to thrive. It is so much easier to live authentically when I am drinking in a steady stream of Thanksgiving’s wholehearted nectar.

The holiday now stands as a reminder of the season of growth that I entered when I began the partial hospitalization program at Walden on November 25, 2015. There probably wasn’t a better time of year for me to become fully engaged in my recovery. A year ago, I thought, “This timing is great because it will get me through the holidays and all those horrible, stressful food situations. Bonus, I’m not at work for the endless parade of potlucks and parties. Score!” I didn’t stop to think, “This timing is great because as I am embracing a completely unknown way of thinking and existing, a way rooted in compassion, forgiveness, love, relationships, finding the deeper meaning in life, living with a sense of purpose, remaining present in the moment, letting go of everything else… the entire world is coming together to re-center on those very same ideals!” That worldwide invitation to ground oneself wholeheartedly, to strengthen the bond with the self and with the others around us, is what Thanksgiving represents to me. Maybe I’m too idealistic, but if that is the case, please leave me to my idealism! When I allow cynicism disguised as pragmatism to govern me, I don’t seem to go anywhere but deeper into my own ego-centrism and self-righteousness. I would rather answer the knock at the door of my soul that I hear during this season, respond to the invitation to revisit the values I hold so dear, and explore with curiosity and patience just where the path from that door leads.

Candle bokeh inside Munich Dom
Candle bokeh inside Munich Dom,” © Nathan Rupert, Aug 2011. CC BY-NC-ND 2.0.

Here’s the thing… my inner critic, my cynically “pragmatic” demon, is never going away. I suppose that I can’t blame him. (I don’t know why I conceptualize this aspect of my personality as male, but that’s how I identify with it). In fact, I might actually be grateful to him, because I can imagine that if I walked about with my heart constantly wide open, trusting always, espousing universal love/compassion/forgiveness, and practicing vulnerability to the extreme, it wouldn’t be long before that same heart was ripped right out of my chest. A little suspicion and doubt keep me balanced, alert, and alive, just as a little healthy guilt keeps me in touch with my need to continue shining the spotlight of my values on my actual conduct, making adjustments and amends when I do wrong.

Thanksgiving isn’t only about family, soulfulness, and gratitude. Like so many other things of this world, it is neither all good nor all bad. It’s a time when our culture aggrandizes binging and a host of other disordered eating behaviors. While we make jokes about turducken and laugh about stuffing ourselves so full that all we can do is lie immobile on the sofa with our pants unbuttoned, the nutrition/health/dieting/weight loss industry is selling us an unachievable image of the perfect lifestyle. How many Paleo cookbooks, juicers, Nutrisystem plans, weight-loss supplements, etc. will be sold in the next two months? Thanksgiving is a time for every business to roll out their shiniest marketing strategies and glitziest promises of wellbeing, whether explicitly stated or merely implied (buy this sweater and you’ll be beautiful, thin, have lots of friends, and your Christmas will be picturesque). My cynical demon is seething.

The worst part for me is tolerating the talk around the family table or at the work potlucks. “I stopped eating all sugar and have lost 12 pounds and feel fabulous! You NEED to do it.” “I’m trying a juice cleanse between Thanksgiving and Christmas this year.” “I discovered this AMAZING new workout. It will seriously change your life.” “The reason your rheumatoid arthritis is flaring up is because you’re still eating wheat! My co-worker’s sister had the exact same thing, and when she went gluten free she was able to come off ALL of her meds. I swear.” It isn’t as though this sort of thing doesn’t happen throughout the year, it only seems that it propagates during the holidays… like a fungus. My cynical demon is roaring.

Deep breath. “You can’t save the world,” Kelly, my nutritionist, once told me. As November 25th rolls into November 26th, I am resolving to practice my dialectics. It is what it is. It is truly, amazingly, brilliantly wonderful. It is… less than ideal. There are certain ways that I can choose to stand up for my authenticity respectfully and thoughtfully, and there are a great many more things that are far beyond my control. I am centering myself on the light, the warmth, the peace, and the joy, I am practicing gratitude, compassion, and forgiveness, and I am striving for understanding. I am finding small ways to change my little piece of the world around me, and I am letting go of everything else.

Happy Thanksgiving to all! May we each cast a little more light out into the world.

release
release,” © Ahmed Mahin Fayaz, March 2012. CC-BY-2.0.
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8 thoughts on “November Twenty-Fifth

  1. Congratulations on 1year.
    I completely understand the difficulty in hearing people talk about dieting and weight. It really triggers me. I try so hard to say nothing. No matter what. It is hard hard hard.

    The truth is, people who are not in recover do have some notion that we should be able to suck it up and get over it. Perhaps I even believed that myself at one time.

    But I know better now. I know that no one chooses to starve until they are ill. No one picks being a heroin addict. They suddenly find themselves trapped in their own behaviour and the lucky ones, like you and me, break the cycle.

    Recovery has given me a completely different view of suffering. And freedom. I choose freedom, even though it’s hard.

    Happy thanksgiving!
    Anne

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Anne!

      Do you feel like you are being dishonest with yourself or inauthentic when you keep quiet while others talk about disordered habits and behaviors? That feeling is one I struggle against! It is painful! I try to tell myself, “Only validate the valid. But choosing to stay quiet on the subject, I am making a statement.”

      While I would never wish my mental illness or my eating disorder on anyone else, and I would certainly never choose this life or the way in which it all sort of fell apart before coming together again, I really can’t imagine myself any other way. Dealing with all of this, living through it, and suffering definitely expanded my capacity for empathy, and while I am still working on being more understanding and less judgmental of others, I wonder if I would place such a huge emphasis on developing those attributes of myself if I was anything other than what I am. It is hard, you’re right. And it is so worth it.

      Best wishes this holiday season!
      Lulu

      Like

      1. Sometimes I do feel I am being dishonest with myself. But, more than that I realize that when I defend my own personal thoughts I am actually nullifying someone else’s. What is right for me is not necessarily right for them. That is hard to swallow…but true.

        If I hear someone talk about food in a more dangerous way, I will sometimes try to find a way to talk about disordered eating and the possibility it is not healthy. Usually this just involves telling my own story.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thank you again for your perspective! I really value your insight. Reminding myself that what is right for me is not necessarily right for someone else is definitely an approach that has worked for me in the past and something that I really need to do more often.

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    1. Thank you! It was a great trip, though there are always ups and downs when lots of family gathers together. Everyone enjoyed each other’s company, and the weather was fabulous. I hope that your Thanksgiving was a happy one, as well!

      Liked by 1 person

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